i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
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His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
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Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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