My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
