I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
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I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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