I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
