i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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