just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
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Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
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How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.