your parents love me but you hate me
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just cut my nipple shaving
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
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Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
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When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.