I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.