Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
