i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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