what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
