he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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