Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
