How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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