k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
