I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Come on in and take your pants off
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