I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
