Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
