listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
