just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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