I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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