I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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