Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
