My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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