Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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