I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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