it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
operation harelip BJ is a go
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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