The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
