the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Randomize
