I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Michael Bay diarrhea
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
