totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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