imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
