So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
