ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
