all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
