You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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