I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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