First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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