I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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