her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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