you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
