No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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