so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
