i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
