Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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