Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
