I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Randomize
