I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
