My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
