3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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