based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
