I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
