If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
