you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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