It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
