Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
