I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
